Do you know what movie my post title is from? It’s from The Vow and I think about it often. Sometimes when I am out about about I experience them myself, other times I’ve witnessed them because I take the time to look for them.
In the last year I’ve experienced so many moments of impact that I am even having a hard time writing about them. The last year has changed me, I see it written all over my body like invisible scars. Others cannot see them but I can. Don’t get me wrong, this last year gave me the single most amazing blessing of my life, my son, but other than that I’d have to say this year probably aged me 5 years.
I’m not a stressed out person, I handle my life well and I can juggle multiple balls in the air at one time. I guess this last year caused me to give up in some ways. I’ve quit caring about a lot of things because I’m so exhausted from investing so much emotion into them.
In the last year I became a mother, dealt with a “body issue” which I’ve documented here, diastasis recti, I learned how to be a part time stay at home mom while also juggling a career at a very unstable organization, started back with classes in my MBA program where for 2 months I was taking two courses at once while also being the only person in my department at work for those same 2 months during one of the busiest times of our year. This was followed by my organization announcing its closure which would lead to my ultimate termination. However I was terminated almost 4 months sooner than I had expected and the next week we bought a house and listed ours. To our great surprise our house sold quickly so we bought and sold in 4 days. During all of this and during the holidays my husband, son and I were all sick for 3 months. I’m not kidding we were sick for a solid 3 months and couldn’t get it out of our bodies and home! I also became a stay at home mother who rarely leaves the house. My entire life has been flipped upside down and I’m trying to cope with a completely different lifestyle. There are other incredibly complicated issues that I was dealing with on my own along with a family member that I will not disclose. One that I have really been dealing with for the last month and this one has taken a lot out of me emotionally and I think it’s what has caused me to be so fatigued and sick for the last week.
These were my moments of impact that have forever changed me and I feel like they’ve hardened me. I am not posting this as a woe-is-me, feel bad for me post and I am DEFINITELY not posting this because I think my life is terrible. I am blessed beyond measure and I thank God every day for the good days and even these moments of struggle.
I am posting this because often people see my Facebook posts and assume all is well. Well, it hasn’t been. I’ve been a ticking time bomb for months. I’ve tried to start clean again several times and put things behind me, I’ve tried to stay positive then I get overwhelmed again and it all starts to rain down again.
If you’ve taken the time to read this I hope you understand my forgetfulness and my inability to really connect, ultimately to many of you. I also hope you respect me for putting this out there and my ability to really hide most of what I’ve been dealing with because I literally HATE to talk about shit. I hate it. I am proud of myself because I have been pretty strong through these BIG life changes, these moments of impact but the opportunity costs (oh you bitch, Economics), the things I’ve given up or let fall by the way side along the way are nothing I am proud of. I did my best but I am hard on myself. If I could go back I would change a number of things and the way I may have handled situations.
I’m signing off, because it’s almost 11 and the sleep I haven’t been getting for months (almost 4-5 hours every night) is part of the reason I have also been struggling. No one is perfect, no one’s life is perfect. I always keep it real and in an effort to continue to do that for those of you who read my blog I am putting this out there. I’m working hard and trying to get out of this funk because I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. I am a positive person so I KNOW this year will be better I just have to keep moving forward. Thanks for listening.
Carpe the Hell out of Your Diem —
Laci – Jane