So today was my last mother’s day as just YOUR mommy. Next year, there will be two of you and I have absolutely no idea how I could love another little boy as much as I love you. This is the third mother’s day that I’ve been bestowed with such an amazing honor, being your mommy. You’ve turned my world upside down.
A couple of months ago I sent a friend of mine a message asking her if she also went through a sort of betrayal feeling before she had her second child and she assured me that yes she had. I had just come off a rough couple months dealing with many emotions and cried several nights thinking about how much of my time I would be spending with someone new, time that I wouldn’t have with you. Eventually the feeling went away but as of late, it has resurfaced and my heart is literally torn and breaking.
I feel as if I am betraying you, that I have made you promises I won’t be able to keep anymore and that I have lied to you. I won’t be able to whisper in your ear that, “I love you more than anything in this world,” because while I do, I will love someone else just as much. I won’t be able to remind you that, “you’re the cutest baby in the whole world,” because while you still are I will also believe someone else is equally as cute. You will no longer have my undivided attention nor will you be able to take my hand and lead me to spend time with you and I drop everything to go.
I feel like I am suffocating sometimes, that I literally won’t be able to breathe because I know that at some point I am going to hurt your feelings and that you will feel like you aren’t as special to me. The mere thought of hurting you in any way is enough to put me over the edge. As I write this I’m short of breath.
While there will be so many happy times and you and your brother will have so much fun plotting against me with daddy it still doesn’t take away the feelings that I am having. How could I ever possibly love anything as much as I love you? They say that I will. There will not be anymore after your brother because while we only wanted two children anyways I literally don’t think my heart could take this kind of pain again.
You made my day in so many ways today, I am so blessed to have such an amazing, sweet and wild little boy. I wanted to cry with joy and sadness tonight when for the first time you acknowledged another member of our family without any prompting. We stood in the bathroom after brushing your teeth and daddy said, “who’s that!” and pointed to himself, you, me, Boo Boo, and Bubby, last daddy pointed at my belly and you said, “baby!” Oh how much the new baby will change our lives. Deep down I know that he will be another amazing blessing to our life but right now I can’t help these feelings that I am having and I plan to enjoy every last waking minute that I can proving to you just how special you are. You won’t be able to read this for a long time but I write it in hopes that you can truly understand someday just how much love I have for you that I can experience such pain at the same time as I experience so much love. I want you to always remember that……
“never before in story or rhyme (not even once up on a time) has the world ever known a you my [sweet boy], and it never will, not ever again.”
Carpe the Hell Out of Your Diem