I’m not Scared of Being a Mom Anymore!

familySo yeah, I was scared. I was scared of how I was going to feel about having two children. I was scared at how my husband and I would balance and still have time for one another. I was scared that Roman would feel left out or that I was abandoning him because Ryker was new to the picture. I was silly. I won’t be the first or the last to be scared about all of those things and I won’t be the first to admit that I was silly.

How does your heart even allow this much love and the depth and levels of love we can possess are astonishing. Ryker will be 5 months old in 9 days and yes, our home is drastically different. Roman seems to be the one most untouched by all of this. Since last year when I found out I was pregnant that child moved for his 4th time in to a brand new home and adjusted like a champ, he transitioned to a big boy bed, potty trained, lost a pet (see previous post), had a baby brother, and lost his beloved “farmer Bob”. He was completely unscathed by these changes. He welcomed his baby brother with open arms and has continued to show me how awesome of a little person he is by being so “go with the flow” about everything. Yes he runs me ragged some days, other days he screams at me for no reason, throws things across the room (DAMN this child can be destructive and he’s not even trying to be) and eats like a wild animal (a problem we can’t seem to find a solution for) but then in a second he turns around and is the most sweetest understanding little boy ever. Son, I admire how much your little brain is processing right now. You are SO big.

boysOur home is different. My husband has had a much harder time adjusting to life with two than I have but it’s funny how much closer we’ve gotten. After Roman I struggled with the realization that I loved my son more than my husband. Sure I loved Grant the same but I never expected what the love for a child could do to your brain. I mean lets face it, if I had to save one or the other I would save my son and he would do the same. That’s kind of a hard thing to process especially when your husband is literally the love of your life. I eventually got over that but adding two has brought us together even more. We’re now on the same side you see. We now realize we’re in this life together as a team often against the hoodlums. We laugh sometimes when Roman is screaming “NO DADDY I WANT MOMMY YOU GO AWAY YOU NO SING LIKE MOMMY” and Ryker is screeching his disgust of his bedroom temperature. We can often be seen tagging in and out of our evening routines as we are now one on one not two on one like before. No, like literally in the hallway hitting hands saying tag you’re in. We’re just getting started but there is nothing we can’t handle when we do it together. We have sacrificed date nights to make things work, it’s not nearly as easy to call up gmas for evening dates when their already watching them various times throughout the week and teenage babysitters are expensive! Watching a toddler and a baby isn’t easy either! This time will pass though and before we know it we will have all the time in the world together. I write this as tonight our evening fell through. What should have been an evening with friends turned in to a fighting match with my over tired little Roman who couldn’t decide if he wanted to eat or play trucks and my sweet baby Ryker who was all smiles while he had mommy and daddy all to himself. I watched Roman climb in to Ryker’s crib and talk to him and kiss him and snuggle him and saw, “hi ryker baby watcha doin”. There is always good with the bad, bad with the bad and good on good. I was put on this earth, I know, to be their mommy and Gran’t wife. To go running at any moment, to give hugs, to make it “all better”, to listen, to discipline to have fun but more importantly to love all three of them with with every ounce of my being. None of this scares me anymore, I can handle anything, except for one more kid, I’m good there. No more kids, two is good, it’s perfect.

Carpe the Hell Out of Your Diem
Laci Jane


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