A Shopvac, Exhaust Pipe, and a Toddler

I know what you’re thinking WTF?   How could these three things possibly fit together? Well I’m about to explain it. Today was  just like any other normal day.  We woke up,  we had breakfast, we played with our toys, we took a poop in the potty, and then decided we would go to town to get daddy some cake, ice cream, and balloons because after all today is his birthday.

I actually lucked out because my mom was on this adventure with us. The toddler started out the door doing his very best to listen to everything I asked him to do clutching his bright yellow Custer Farms van. As I was loading things in to the car I heard, “mommy look!” As a mother this usually is not a phrase you want to hear from you toddler.  I raced around the back of the vehicle to find my son squatting down looking into the steel hole that is the exhaust pipe. There, nestled inside, was my sons tiny yellow van. Fuck! “See mommy see!” “Yes son I see.”

Yaya (a.k.a. The hulk) was a quick thinker. We called my dad to come to our rescue with a possible solution, jumped in her vehicle and off to town we went. On our way home we were still contemplating my dads remedy for this situation when suddenly The Hulk had an idea! Earlier we’d used part of the ShopVac in the basement to free another toy he had stuck somewhere. Surely we could suck this metal toy out of the toxic hollow of fumes.

Upon arriving home I lugged the Shop Vac upstairs, plugged it in and sucked that little van right out! Victory was MINE!!

Then, I looked over to find the toddler, who was supposed to be learning a lesson about what not to stick in a tail pipe, was happily frolicking through the mud, completely unaware of his bad decision and covered in mud. (Sigh).

I thought to myself, why not enjoy this? after all, I HAD saved the van from a slow and painful death. I chased my toddler around the yard and he collapsed in a tiny heap of giggles. I de-pantsed him right in the front yard to which I discovered his underwear had been on backwards all day! They looked rather uncomfortable, not really sure how he didn’t notice this at some point.

 

 

 

Anyways! Daddy (a.k.a. Spider-Man) came driving in as we made our way up the driveway. I set him down and off he ran across the grass and in to daddy’s arms singing “Happy Birthday to Roman happy birthday to me!”

SO morale of the story is: as a parent it’s easy to get stressed out and upset about something that seems like such a big deal. But the key is to put your underwear on backwards, run through the mud and sing happy birthday to yourself. It worked for us today.

And if you ever need to retieve an object from your exhaust pipe just drag out the ShopVac.

PS. The toddler has nicknamed everyone in the family. I was bestowed with the title “Special” and he tells me all day how special I am. No baby. I think we know which ones or us is the most special of all ❤️.

Carpe the Hell Out of your Diem

Laci Jane

 

 

 

What I saw before me was a nightmare, this couldn’t be real….

sickbabyIt’s true. What I woke up to that morning was nothing short of a nightmare, it was horrific. Was this real? God, seriously you’re kidding right? Take me back to that fantasy suite I was just in with Chris Hemsworth. What I am about to say is graphic and could be disturbing for some audiences.

I woke up to the usual shouts of “mommy” from the room next door. As I opened the door I didn’t know if I was entering a murder scene or Charlie’s Chocolate Factory. My son was covered in shit! Thank God only from his waist down and not on his hands. I couldn’t hide my reaction this time. Normally I have a mean poker face, not a lot phases me. I let out a gasp and proclaimed “OH MY GOD, YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!” He began to cry and then the mom gears got going. “No baby it’s ok, this isn’t your fault. It’s ok, this is can all be cleaned up, you are not in trouble.” Off to the shower we went.

Hours later I sat on the couch with my very sick little boy and couldn’t help but remember the faces of those poor souls lying in his bed with him. The faces of Buzz, Nemo, Thomas, Bear, and sweet little Bambi. They didn’t fare quite as well as my son you see because after I scrubbed my son from head to toe, trimmed fingernails, brushed his teeth and cleaned out his ears I shut the door to the shit show. Not one ounce of me wanted to tackle the mess that awaited within.

At some point in the afternoon I knew what I had to do. Mount up mom, you’ve got this, you’re strong! I opened the door and it was so much worse than it had been that morning. As I slammed the door shut and army crawled dry heaving to the my bedroom I thought surely I could let this one wait for his father. Let his daddy get a little taste of the things I shelter him from…..

No, I told myself I can do this!

This time I entered with a purpose, equipped with cleaning supplies and I changed in to an old shirt just to be safe. I even cleaned bare handed just to make myself feel more mommly. I ripped off the bed sheets, all the morning’s faithful stuffed guardians wrapped inside, the slipcover and the pillow and hauled it all down to the laundry room, hot cycle, extra soapy. I scrubbed the walls and bed frame just to be thorough.

When I was all done I scrubbed my arms and hands until they were bright red. EWWWW!! FUCKING GERMS! After 6 weeks and 3 antibiotics I’ve had enough of this SHIT! I’m tired, I’m sick and tired of my kids being sick and tired. I want a clean house, a hot shower and to soak in a vat of antibacterial hand soap! I was SO frustrated! But…

As I laid down to sleep that evening I laughed in spite of myself. I’d spent the day taking care of my two children who I loved more than anything else in the entire world. If that’s as bad as my day can get give me a hundred more. The love for my children will put me in several shitty situations and I know I have the capacity to overcome every.single.one, even if they are messy. Now, back to that dream with Chris Hemsworth.

Carpe the Hell Out of Your Diem

Laci Jane

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