How Did We Get Here?

How many times have we laughed about the fact that this is our life now? That after knowing each other for the last 24 years we are married with two kids driving each other nuts.

For those of you who don’t know our back story. My husband and I met in Kindergarten. I’ll keep it short for those who already know us. I literally loved him from the moment I set eyes on him. Like, seriously there are plenty of pictures to prove it. God he was a little asshole growing up I couldn’t get him to be my damn boyfriend for the life of me. It all changed when I got boobs and lost the braces… imagine that huh? He graduated to a pain in the ass for most of our high school career and through college. Ohhhh that boy!!! Saying that he was ornery is an understatement. I of course was angel I never did anything wrong. We did broke up a few times but always went back to one another. I will say I NEVER initiated one of those break ups. I had my eye on the prize.

I always knew I was going to marry him one way or the other and after 9 years we got engaged. Yes the stink butt took 9 years to ask me! We married in 2012 in Kauai. It was the most magical, care free day of my entire life. It was absolutely perfect.

I never wanted children growing up. Babies scared the shit out of me and little kids mostly annoyed me. I always assumed we would have children but didn’t think about the logistics. In 2013 we decided, meh lets give it a shot. Exactly 9 months to the date of that “shot” along came our first born.

It’s one of those things where you think you love someone but you really have no idea how much you love them until you see them as a parent. The problem is I had so many issues trying to fully grasp the love of a child that I forgot how to love my husband. The motions were there but it was like WHOAH, WHAT is this new type of love that I have for this tiny baby?! It was a lot to handle. It took me awhile to figure all of that out and remember that I had a husband I was basically obsessed with haha. Once I was able to differentiate between the emotions I was able to fully grasp the husband and father he had become and two children later I am simply blessed to have him by my side.

I couldn’t ask for a better partner or a father. He is my other half in every aspect, we split everything when it comes to raising our boys. He’s one of those special men that doesn’t believe I need to do it all on my own. I always say that if something happened to me tomorrow he would be just fine. He would be perfectly capable of raising our boys. He wouldn’t agree with me but I am right, I always am!

I am so proud of him.

So my love, if you ever find this, which likely you won’t and you would hate me for even writing it. I want you to know that through every

 

obstacle and curve life has thrown us, through every fight, every make up, every hair pulling and confusing moment, all the life altering changes I would never choose to do any of it or go forward with life without you by my side. Just you, even with all of your hard headedness and non ice cream or pizza sharing self. Sometimes I just remind God how thankful I am that you are the father of our boys and that they will always have a strong man behind them giving them 100%.

Thank you for washing the dishes, letting me sleep in, getting the groceries, for NOT touching the damn laundry, for putting Roman to bed every single night, for feeding Ryker even when he yells at you the whole time bc you’re “definitely” not doing it right, thank you for keeping Ro’s gator on full charge, for NOT throwing all of my shoes outside on the lawn like you threaten to do every time you trip over them. Thank you for letting me live out all the crazy ideas I have, for dealing with women inside your home getting spray tans and shopping for clothes. Thank you for spraying even when you believe there is no other man in America who spray tans their wife. I know you say you’re never going to do it again but we both know that’s not true. Thank you for NOT tearing the vacuum apart because I leave it in the middle of the kitchen and for NEVER giving me grief when there’s nothing to eat in the fridge. I’ve been seriously wife failing the last two months. Thank you for all the sonic diet coke stops and detours you’ve had to make lol!!! Thank you for telling me I’m beautiful every single day and teaching the boys the value of respecting me as a mother and a woman…well except for teaching him to spank me and call me turbo butt… but ya know we’re remedying that now. Thank you for faithfully watching the Bachelor with me for the last 8 years even though I know you secretly love it. Thank you for fighting me and challenging me and for always listening to my stories. Thank you for those midnight bottles, it’s the smallest thing but means so much.

But most importantly thank you for absolutely nailing the one real job you have and that’s being a daddy. Roman absolutely adores you and Ryker will eventually come around, I mean I can’t help it that he just likes me so much more. I’m a likeable kind of gal.

They’re lucky they get to call you daddy.

Ill love you forever HB

Carpe the Hell Out of Your Diem
Laci Jane

 

 

 

Today I judged you, and for that I’m sorry

No, sorry isn’t enough.

I don’t know you, I don’t know if you are a “good mom” or a “bad mom.” I don’t know if you like pizza or what your favorite flavor of ice cream is. I know absolutely NOTHING about you. I could have gotten to know you today, but I didn’t. Because at the time, I was too embarrassed by my own thoughts.

I had taken my son and nephew to the splash pad to play. Just the day before my toddler had driven me past my breaking point. It takes a LONG time for me to get to that point but man oh man the sass was strong! All I knew was that we needed out of the house and we needed to blow off some steam. We played for about an hour before we decided to wander around the park. As we came back to the splash pad the boys began to play and I noticed two boys off to my left who looked out of place.

Now my mom radar was on. I couldn’t tell who their parents were. They looked almost like twins so I knew they had to be together. It didn’t take me long to realize that one had a severe disability, the other seemed, if anything, to suffer from some sort of social anxiety. Maybe there was another layer to it. I won’t speculate much here. All I know is I got very angry because no one was sitting with them, no one was talking to them and no one was comforting them. I was only angry because as a mother I don’t want to see any child hurt or ignored.

I began to look around and I couldn’t put my finger on who they belonged to. I analyzed everyone and started to weed out the possibilities. Then, I saw her. She was sitting next to a large stroller watching the other children play. She was not sitting near the boys or even looking in their direction. My first thought was “seriously?” I could think of a million things I could be doing with those boys if they were mine…. I’m such an idiot, seriously I’m just an idiot.

After awhile she got up and told one of the boys to play a little bit and she reached down and picked up the other boy and walked him out to the center of the splash pad. God I am in tears as I write this. All the anger inside me spilled over. I had no one to be angry at but myself. How dare I judge this mother.

Here she was, clearly overweight, clearly a mother of two boys with some sort of emotional and physical disabilities. A mother who is tired. One who gets as irritated more often than I do. A mother who probably fights emotional battles all day. A mother who probably wouldn’t want anyone to feel sorry for her. A mother who loves her two sons as much as I love mine but was dealt a different hand.

Maybe earlier when she was watching the other children play she was thinking about how warm the sun felt beating down on her skin. Maybe she was breathing in a few minutes of peace and praying for her family. Maybe in those few minutes that I judged her she was just enjoying not being needed or touched by someone.

I watched her carry her little boy into the splash pad with a face full of determination.  Everyone watched as she set him down and walked back out completely soaked.  I know she has lived through more hard moments than I have as a mother. That she will be taking care of that little boy for the rest of his life. That she won’t get the breaks I do. That she will be a full time mom forever. That she won’t be able to run and play with her little boy. That she won’t get to watch him run across the splash pad being silly. And it absolutely broke my heart in to a thousand little pieces.

So to you, whoever you were, I am truly sorry. I wish I would have stayed a little longer and moved to sit with you, to include you in some mom talk. To assure you that you and your boys both belonged  in the place that you had come to play and get some fresh air…but I didn’t.

But since you’re reading this, maybe you will learn from my mistake.
We are all just trying to get by as parents. No one is doing it right all the time. Some of us are good parents, some of us are great parents and some of us are down right TERRIBLE parents. Shoot she could have been a terrible mother! But that doesn’t really matter. I empathized with her situation and knew that it was not my place to judge her from a five minute observation.

I’m not a very religious person but I know when God is speaking to me and today he spoke loud and clear. Clear enough to teach me a lesson and remind me of my blessings and the beautiful children I get to call mine.

Carpe the Hell out of Your Diem
Laci Jane